Sunday, August 10, 2014

Introducing Emiliana Fleur

I have just realised I haven't introduced my niece Emiliana

Anzacs with a twist - Lola Berry

Here are the cookies I baked today, they are so yummy and easy to make!

Today was lovely, so lovely I had to share

I had a really lovely day today, I love it when you finish off a day and feel like you have achieved so much and made the most of your day. I woke up at about 7.30am, seems to be getting earlier and earlier on weekends, not sure why! I jumped online and paid a couple of bills, cleaned up my email inbox (oh the relief), searched for the best price around town for a hot stone massage, which I have booked in just waiting for confirmation. 
Then I phoned my Mum and we chatted for an hour, very rarely do I use the home phone and I very rarely speak on the phone to Mum, usually by text messages or when I see her of the weekends. It was lovely and I knew my day had started off right. I did my online grocery order, ready for collection tomorrow after work - I love online ordering, it saves so much of my time! I also did a meal plan for the upcoming week and I will stick to it as the groceries were based around that! Using up bits and pieces in our cupboard is how the dinner decisions were made.
I did two loads of washing, hung them out, bought them in, folded and put away - the fun stuff eh! A little bit of ironing, baked some cookies, had a friend visit, did some weeding, Cam mowed the lawns and also washed two of the cars. I changed the bedding, made a delicious roast for dinner and then had a bath. 

That was my productive day and I loooooved it, I love home time especially when spent with my lover. And then to top it all off Cam made my day even more delightful by picking a flower from our garden and putting it in a vase for me, so very sweet.
Flower from Cam
I received these cute pillow cases for my birthday from my sisters, the other side to the heart says 'forever', so sweet, I adore them!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

my new boobs. the good boobs - brca1

I think of my breasts as 'naughty', I feel like they can turn bad at any time, whenever it suits them.. they can pull all the strings and navigate where my life goes and how my life unfolds. I do definitely not let them pull all the strings, hence my preventive mastectomy. But that's how it feels to me to have the brca1 gene, that's the only way really that I can explain it to someone who hasn't felt what it feels like to be told "you are positive to brca1".

Personally I think they need to use another word because from then on the word positive doesn't feel that positive to me, it has a whole new meaning. I know in there term that it was used it makes sense but.. it just doesn't seem fitting. And one piece of feedback to give would be that and also 'what to do next' once you are told you are a carrier.

Cam and I have had a lot to think about aside from the mastectomy, which procedure to have (instant implants or gradual build up to implants) but MY main priority is conceiving children. Something I have been ready for, for a long while now and something we are both now ready to experience. Luckily we have the same feelings about how we want to conceive, with me having brca1 and all.. I do not want to pass it on to my child, I want this gene to stop at ME, so to do that we will conceive a baby through IVF. We have had our first appointment, which was exciting, it was a while ago now but our next appointment is in November in the midst of all the challenges that we will be facing we will be able to look forward to getting the ball rolling with starting that process and I could not be more excited, I am assuming Cam is too - he isn't a big talker, not like me.. who tells everything I am feeling. This is my number one drive, deal with the yucky and move on to enjoy and experience to lovely things in life. Bring on 2015, I cannot wait to experience pregnancy with my lover and Mama by my side.

So many people have had their opinions about us conceiving through IVF, why would we when we can conceive naturally etc etc, why are we so worried about this gene? It doesn't do anything to you until one day it does.. ? There is the answer I do not want to wait for the one day, the what if or the maybe, that's why I am acting on the now. If I can prevent our child from having to deal with these tough decisions like I am, then why wouldn't I? And when people have their opinions, which I know they are entitled to have.. I remind myself of this.

eight weeks and two days.

In eight weeks and two days I am having a preventative mastectomy.
That wasn't hard to write but it was scary receiving the phone call today with the date, the appointments I need to have beforehand and the fact that it is happening. I am 100% positive that I want to take this course of action, don't get me wrong, I am not at all doubting my decision because this is what I want to do for the best interest of myself, my future and just everything, there are no reasons to me as to why I would't do it.. But... it is still scary nonetheless.

People ask me if I am scared, nervous, excited etc.. For real? All of the above, all of the feelings that you can feel, I feel. I have been open about my whole experience so far and I feel that I will continue to be. I love to talk and to me that is how I work through feeling all of those things. I feel like I have support, maybe not enough encouragement but you can't have it all right?

I feel like it's not a big deal, but it is.. Does that make sense? I don't want it to be but well really it is a massive life changing thing that I am CHOOSING to do. I am worried about the outcome - will my breasts look "normal"? (what is normal anyway), will my nipples dies?, what will happen if my boyfriend runs away because it all gets too much?. I think these are thoughts that most people going through this might have, I don't really know actually, I am just guessing.

Lead up appointments to the big day start with my annual MRI and ultrasound, that being next Wednesday along with another chat with my plastic surgeon. I had a few questions spring to mind in the last few weeks that I would like to discuss with him. I have asked my sister to come along as she is really good at staying focused, where at times I get overwhelmed and turn my ears, eyes and mind OFF.

On the 29th August I go to my final appointment with my breast surgeon before the big appointment, this will be to sign off the paperwork, have a few more things explained to me and to learn about what a 'sentinel node biopsy' consists of. On the 11th September I will go in to have the biopsy done, they advised that I take a week off for this, as to why I am unsure but will soon find out. Then in the meantime I have to make sure to go to my Doctor and get a new referral to my breast surgeon because it runs out just before my surgery. Then 25th September will be here before I know it and the big journey will begin..

Initially I am having 6 weeks off work, after that I will see how I go. I really don't appreciate being asked how long, what time frame etc, because guess what I do not know, I have never had this done before! It depends on a lot of things but mainly myself.. I don't know how I am going to feel, so that cannot be answered and why should it matter anyway? I will take as long as I want and as long as I need.

I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind, it really gets so tiring. Not just thoughts about this, I do have a lot going on and I allowed to feel how I am feeling at the moment, when I feel like this I try my hardest to remind myself of the above, its my mantra at the moment.

Thursday, February 27, 2014


grateful: feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful.

Here are some things that I am grateful for right at this moment:

Myself: I am grateful for myself putting in all my efforts to exercise regularly.

Medical Science: I am grateful for intelligent human beings.

Everyday: I am grateful for my everyday life.